Reflection

This week marks six months since Josiah spent some time in Children's Hospital, giving us all a good fright. In some ways it doesn't seem like it could have been that long ago, and in other ways I feel like it is so far behind us!

But six months is a long time when you are only 21 months old...

I spent some time earlier this week looking at our November photos at marveling at how far he has come since then. From those first few days when his mysterious fever had my instincts on edge, to my four nights by his side in the hospital, a long recovery at home, seeing him smile again, and finally reflecting on God's goodness through that painful time.

Not a single day goes by -- and I mean that in the most literal sense -- that I don't thank God for his little life, and for entrusting Joey to our care for as many days as He sees fit.

Perspective

Thursday night was really good for me. I'd had a difficult 24 hours emotionally, and I was looking forward to some time with the ladies in my church Bible study, but I was also dreading the how-are-you-doing's and are-you-okay's.

Let me back up for a minute.

On Wednesday afternoon we got the letter from Lucy's soon-to-be school informing us of her Kindergarten placement. I hadn't truly prepared myself for the idea that she might not get into the afternoon class, which was our first choice. I was hearing from so many people that we were a shoe-in, that surely we'd get her into the afternoon class because everyone else wanted mornings. And the fact that we were one of the first in line for registration back in January helped boost my confidence.

We waited three long months for this news. Three months of making plans, being hopeful and praying for the perfect placement.

She was placed in the morning class.

Suddenly I felt my plans and ideas for this whole next year come crashing down around me.

Sounds pretty dramatic, huh? That one little X on a line was to me a shattered dream.

One of the biggest reasons for preferring the afternoon class for Lucy was so that I could continue to take her to BSF with me next year. Her Wednesday mornings for the last three years have been a phenomenal experience for her, and I wanted that to continue for one more year before she would be in school all day until adulthood. The morning that we got the letter, she had said on our way home, "Mommy, it's going to be so much fun to have Joey come with us to BSF next year!" (The program starts for kids when they turn two years old.)

There were other benefits, too. Like being able to do other activities in the morning with both kids, having Lucy in school while Joey naps (which would give me a break, too), and just feeling like I was able to have her home with me for just one more year. (I believe I mentioned the dread of adulthood already.)

Well, needless to say, I was sad. Sad that she will have just two more days of BSF this year, then never be able to come with me again. Sad that she will miss out on the amazing Biblical instruction and learning next year that have impacted her so much already. Sad that our other fun plans for the mornings would no longer be possible. And sad that I only have a few more months until she starts school (which already seemed a hard hurdle!).

So I went to my Thursday night gathering and started crying pretty much as soon as I walked in the door.

But as the night progressed, I became aware through conversations and prayer requests that there is really so much to be thankful for that it outweighs the sadness. And in my heightened emotional state, this recognition made me cry even more, of course.

Why am I thankful? Some states have all-day Kindergarten, and I need to be thankful that Lucy will only be gone for three hours a day this next year. And just the fact that we live in a nation where our children are educated in a healthy environment -- or at all! Some people are dealing with the death of a child, and wow, am I grateful to have a nearly-five-year-old who is beautiful, happy, healthy, and alive, and heading to school!

Serious perspective. It really put my so-called drama in its place.

I understand that I'm allowed to be sad for the changes in my plans (even as I type this, Proverbs 16:9 comes to mind -- "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps"). But there is really so much more that I need to be thanking God for.

Thanks, friends, for your listening ears, your sympathetic hearts, and the perspective you bring into my life. I am beginning to wrap my mind around this new thing and am having more peace as each hour goes by...

And thank You, Lord, that you've given me these five years to care for and teach and nurture my beautiful baby girl. Thank You for the three wonderful years that Lucy has had the privilege to come to BSF with me, and the loving teachers who have taught her so much more than even I thought she was capable of learning at her tender age. Thank You that You know better than I do what is best for us, and help me to rest in Your will and Your plan for this next year and beyond.